Olansapine due to lack of energy, motivation not to mention the weight gain. I had to, it wasnt good for my kids, my business or my sense of self…
But the depression is back and the suicidal ideation.
I sat in bed this morning thinking how much better off everyone would be without me.
I have life insurance. But i am sure that suicide is a point of non payment but i am not sure, i need to check on that.
My daughter wouldnt miss me. She’s three and most of the time does not want me. I love the bones of her but she is oblivious. She would be with her dad. Which frees up the room situation (my house is too small, too broken and too shite). The boys would miss me – i am the strict parent and also the make it happen parent, and they’ve been through so much death, it wouldnt be fair on them. They are one of the reasons i am still clinging on to life with my finger tips.
Would anyone else actually miss me? or care? my mum and nan (the only people that legitimately loves me) are both dead. Are they waiting for me on the other side? God i miss them. I am so exhausted by the stress of living.
I feel like everything is about to fall apart, like my whole world is going to fall down and i cant keep going. My life insurance money would help everyone and the space from me may be good for everyone. And if i got to be with my family again…
Every change and new issue that presents feels like a stab to the gut. I cannot handle it. I wish i had the money to never have to worry or care what comes my way. I wish i had that freedom but i dont. Like most people in the world, life’s hard. And my brain tells me i am a failure, like i am not good enough, i’m walking on knives and slowly bleeding to death in my head.
The mental health people say reach out but i have a pathological fear of talking to anyone… strangers… explaining. But i am edging closer to ending my life and i can feel it. I am trying though, so hard, i am trying.
I have an appointment on the 21st September to review the meds. I cant be on something that makes me huge when my partner already struggles with loving me, my health and having energy to keep pushing my business forward… but i cannot live like this because the ledge is there, i can see it, it’d take a gust of wind to finish me off.
For my kids i am trying. Not for me. If it was down to me, i’d give up. Go to sleep and not wake up but they deserve better and cannot go through losing another family member.
So i mask up in front of them, slip it on easily like ive done my whole life and function. Just getting by. Surviving. Trying.
I cant make big plans because i dont know if i will make it to my 40th this year. But i am trying. I AM TRYING. But what if i go to sleep and dont wake up? Not only do i feel like this, i feel like i will die.
Trying to explain this to anyone is the hardest thing because i keep my face blank so well.
But the truth is – no one needs me. What am i doing here?
No i must keep one foot in front of the other for my children.
The Sacred Unravelling 