I am tired. Not merely tired, but perpetually exhausted. The meds have been great – been in a happy middle ground except with my youngest’s sleep pattern and a side effect of needing to nap in the day to function. Today, though, depression has hit hard. The type of depression that makes you not want to wake up. The exhaustion already has you feeling useless… and you are waiting for people to drop you like a hot potato because you are constantly tired and fighting it.
Lately, I’ve been dreaming of my mum and nan, crying in my sleep, telling them how much I need them, how much I miss them. And waking up more tired and terribly sad. Terribly alone. Terribly terrible.
I wish i won the lottery. I wish it so hard. A bigger house as mine has no space and my daughter needs her own room. A way to breathe. No need to ever rely on anyone because i have the money to stop when i need to. I’m fighting to keep my head above water and i am so close to drowning.
I can barely focus on my education or my small business but i have made sure a post a day is done, and buyers get their special things sent on time. But i havent the energy for much else. My energy levels are beyond spent and i am at the tipping point. The meds are just keeping me from falling into the abyss but i can see it – from where i am sitting.
Small wins, huge chasms of darkness in front of me. I haven’t the energy to juggle my life, to source pretty things, to do anything but survive – and even that is becoming too hard for me at the moment. I cannot take it if anything else is piled on. I need a reprieve from life for the moment. And my bed seems like the only safe space [yet the neighbours talk way too loud near my window]
What do i do? Do i call the dr and look at my meds and energy? Do i just carry on and hope these feelings pass? Do i hope to not fall into the abyss? The thoughts have been there… and how i crave the silence. But even with little energy and heaps of the ‘feeling sads’ my kids are at the front of my mind. They’d rather a useless mum there, then the memory of a parent who selfishly jumped into the silence.
I feel wrong. I hope this passes.
My ability to function is unravelling. I need to function somehow.
I pray for help. I pray for a breath. I pray to be functional again. Not useless.
The Sacred Unravelling 