The Sacred Unravelling

I swear that is a song lyric, any who, I like millions of women that simply exist is having a very much “I’m fat” moments of huge self-doubt. Yet those around me, who knows me, knows the ambivalent relationship with food – I used to NOT be able to feel my hunger, which meant, I wouldn’t eat until I was awfully close to passing out or throwing up.

These meds have made me put on weight. I can feel my hunger now, and even with wise choices – I am eating averagely – I’ve also been told I still don’t eat regular meals but I am no longer forgetting to tell myself to eat and FEELING IT.

In response to the lack of starvation, my body seems to be clinging to every calorie as if I am going to deprive myself again.

I can feel my skin, my stomach, the shape of my body… and I do not like it. I really do not like it.

I have promised myself cosmetic surgery if I am ever able to afford it. To cut and pull away everything that makes me feel ugly. Nothing wrong with that.

I know it is a me problem, but I cannot help but notice and look at the mirror image of myself…

Still; it’s either be healthy (which my skin is better too) or be skinny, tired, sickly.