What is left after immense energy is… the slurring, the bone-tired hard-to-describe exhaustion that accompanies a busy brain like mine. Energy drinks do not touch the sides – I could sleep, I could be in bed with insomnia and beg for release from the clutches of the unsated exhaustion… I could be in solitary confinement and not leave my bed for weeks (given half the chance – but can’t obviously as I must adult for those that require me to, aka my spawn)
It is horrendous – all energy drinks do is return the ability to me to speak. It is noticeable. I cannot think, like a cloud has descended over me… and just when I think that I am starting to feel better? BOOM. It hits, nothing works to bring me out of it. I have to be careful when it hits like this.
I feel like I should live in my pyjamas, clothes feel too restrictive at that point. Soft things, loose, working from my bed (as I am now) – it is the only way I survive this… it reserves enough energy to drive to get my children from school and keeps things ticking over. I love my business (as you know!) I would be lost in anything else, and thankfully, it’s enabled me to be able to reserve what little energy I still have.
Survival. Mode.
Still – kids are happy, fed, watered and ran about. It may feel like my eyeballs are melting and my head is scrambled eggs but THEY are okay. That is what matters most, after all. It hasn’t helped that the toddler has not had one of her nurseries in the morning due to the nursery having a roof leak! So I have had to keep her busy too.
Though I look around and I see my clothes need sorting as in a doom pile in the wardrobe as opposed to hung up. I see my house needs a little TLC, my front yard looks a mess, I’ve just had a bunch of pendants to picture (Today though) for next week. I need to do the write-ups for them etc to be ready for Sunday and the weeks’ posts. My klarna is screaming at me, my credit card is screaming at me, my skin is irritated and looks hormonal, my living room looks a mess with toys. I have hardly sat down (I’ve been up and about several times writing this) – I probably have about 20 more things that I have forgotten and in 15 minutes, I am on the school run to pick up the kids.
Then it is – lunches – clothes – dinners – washing machine – dishwasher – entertaining – planning –
My fingers are crossed that the toddlers nursery is open tomorrow. I need my mornings back for work and whilst my brain is – a mess – I need to have an hour to close my eyes. Or something with a little self care. Recharge. Rest. Until the burnout recedes.
Until then, I must push through – I will push through and collapse when all are in bed.
The Sacred Unravelling 